Sometimes, when one faces an impossible task, drastic measures must be used. This is the case of this review. Since this game is what I’ll call “special,” it deserves a special kind of review. In this case, I’m going to attempt to emulate this review in the style of a news story on National Public Radio, or NPR. Thus, instead of being a dry essay or review, this will be a fictional dialog containing the review. Enjoy.

“Sometimes, when one even reaches their goal of having their dream job,” said NPR commentator Bobbert Shmeigal, “they find it isn’t a bed of roses. NPR reporter Nyla Styles recently found this out on a recent trip out to visit a friend of hers, who supposedly had found his dream job.”

“My friend Brian is doing what he loves to do most in the world...playing computer games.” Said Nyla, beginning her report, with various sounds in the background to add atmosphere. “Brian has been playing computer games for over twenty years, and has been writing about them for over four. He’s played almost every PC game ever made, and had thought he had seen it all...that was, until he received today’s game.”

“This game is some adventure game called Arthur’s Knights II: The Secret of Merlin. It’s by Dreamcatcher, who is known for making budget titles. I think I can handle it. Let’s give it a try.” Brian said as the sound of a CD-ROM tray opening and closing played behind him. This was followed by the various sounds of a clicking mouse and keyboard.

“Brian innocently put the CD into his computer and began to install the CD...this is where things already started to go wrong...” Said Nyla, “About thirty seconds into the installation, Brian uncovered his first problem...”

“Why the hell does it want to install DirectX Seven? Doesn’t it know that DirectX Eight is the standard now? Sheesh.” Brian said, then took a look at the game’s packaging, “This game is dated as 2002, yet it’s asking for a three year old API. This is not a good omen.”

What Brian didn’t know is that things were about to go from bad to worse...” Continued Nyla, “Upon installing the game successfuly, without DirectX, Brian ran the game to find his second problem, invisible text.”

“What the hell is this?” Brian exclaimed,”I’ve got a top of the line computer here...”

Nyla cut in, “Brian explained to me that, while his computer was littered with some of the newest components around, such as a GeForce four video card and a Sound Blaster Audiligy sound card, this game acted as if it was on a much older and less capable computer. A quick visit to the publisher’s web site answered at least some questions, while creating even more confusion in the process...”

“The web site wants me to put Windows XP into Windows 98 compatibility mode? It also wants me to change the sound accelerations of my sound card? Geezus...I’ll change the compatibility mode, but no way in hell am I fiddling with the sound card, not for one damned game.” Brian continued...

“Upon making some tweaks to his system, the invisible text problem was solved, but the next problem would bring Brian’s experience to a halt. The game had some severe sound problems, such as stuttering voice playback, or even system-crashing freezes. The only way to solve this problem was to turn off the game’s sound all together....this led to even more problems...” Nyla said, then Brian continued...

“How can I even enjoy, let alone objectively rate, an adventure game that doesn’t allow me to use the sound, and has no subtitles for the dialogue in the cut scenes, completely obliterating any interest in the story,” Brian said, sounding frustrated, almost defeated.

Nyla continued, “Upon viewing this phenonemon for myself, I could only numbly agree. This seemed to be the equivalent of watching a foreign movie with no sub-titles, or reading a book with no text. While the participant can attempt to engage themselves in the story, so little is gained by the attempt that it looses all worth.”

“My God, you’re right,” Said Nyla, “this is really annoying.”

“Isn’t it, though?” Brian replied...

“Well, I’ll try to play the game for a while and see if it gets any better...” Continued Brian, now sounding somewhat more determined...

“The game appears to let you choose two adventure paths, one Celtic and one Roman. I think I’ll pick Celtic, since it sounds cooler.” Brian said, then proceeded to the beginning of the adventure.

“Man, these controls suck. They’re sluggish and unchangable. The character either stops short of where I want him to be, or continues on for a few steps. This is rediculous. And look at these graphics. They look like a bad imitation of Betrayal at f-ing Antara.”

“That last game, Brian told me, was about six years old, which explained the game’s aged look. Upon entering the main story,” Nyla said, breaking into the fading sounds of Brian’s complaints,”We learned that the main character was supposed to talk to people around the fictional town in order to gain some information. This is where Brian finally hit the preverbial wall...”

“What the F-uck?!” the sounds of beeps covered Brian’s curses, “I’m supposed to talk to people, and while I can SEE the damned people, some kind of invisible wall prevents me from even getting NEAR them, let alone talking to them. This is total billsh-t!” Brian exclaimed with further beeps.

“It was here that Brian could take no more,” Said Nyla, breaking in, “he quit the game, took the CD out of its drive, and hurled it across the room, wherein it hit the wall with a less-than-satisfying sound. I had never seen Brian this frustrated with something he loved so much, games.”

“That had to be the worst game I’ve played in a LONG time,” Brian said, “I mean hell, Interstate ‘82...hell, even SKYDIVE or Extreme Paintbrawl were both better than that steaming pile...”

“Brian then took a moment to calm himself, and apologized for his outburst. He picked up the now scratched CD and put it back in its case....”

“Well, I think I played enough of the game to write the review, but it’s not going to be pretty,” Brian said, followed by the sound of a keyboard being pounded upon...

“With that, Brian began writing his review. I’ve not read the final result yet, but I’m not sure I want to.” Nyla said, with the sounds of the background fading behind her...

“Brian is usually a very happy guy. He loves computer games, loves to write about them, talk about them, and so on. I’ve been very happy for Brian for finding what he wanted to do in his life, but this experience showed me that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. Even the most stubborn of weeds can make appearances from time to time, spoiling what is, for the most part, an idyllic glade.” Nyla said, closing her report with rising music in the background.

“Nyla Styles comes to us courtesy of member station KPDD in Los Angeles.” Said Bobbert Shmeigal before the music swelled and led to a station break.

This “review” was fun to write, but it’s also, hopefully, informative. Arthur’s Quest II is a terrible game. Even if you’re the most die hard of adventure game fans, I can not help but tell you to stay away from this one. I’ve had more pleasant experiences, such as getting my wisdom teeth removed...well, okay, it’s not THAT bad, but it’s close.